(A more modern version, on the premise that one's true love might have decided to get better prices through buying everything in bulk quantity)
On the first day of Christmas my true love (a real peach!)
Sent me twelve pear trees, a partridge in each.
On the second day of Christmas again came my true love
With two-and-twenty cooing turtle doves.
On the third day of Christmas my doorbell rang again,
As my true love delivered thirty French hens.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent a mix
Of colley birds, in number thirty-six.
On the fifth day of Christmas he brought the damnedest thing --
A box containing forty gold rings.
On the sixth day of Christmas he sent (despite my begs)
Forty-two geese, and all were laying eggs.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love (what a fool!)
Dropped forty-two swans into my swimming pool.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love (such a louse!)
Sent me forty milkmaids, plus as many cows.
On the ninth day of Christmas he nearly drove me mad
With thirty-six girls dancing 'round my pad.
On the tenth day of Christmas came lords in fifteen pairs,
To leap o'er furniture and up and down the stairs.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my place got cluttered more
With a two-and-twenty member pipers' corps.
On the twelfth day of Christmas (the last one, I am proud)
Came a dozen drummers playing far too loud.
When it was finally over I phoned Salvation Bay
For thirteen vans to haul the lot away.
Still that was not the finish, as you can maybe guess,
Since it took fourteen maids to clean up all the mess.
As a crowning blow, my ex-love (that tub of lard!)
Had ordered everything and used my credit card.
