ON LIFE IN GENERAL
There are only three groups of people in the world: 1) Those who make things happen; 2) Those who watch things happen; and 3) Those who have no idea what’s happening.
This fellow has never learned how to tolerate laziness or stupidity – and hopefully never will.
If you allow yourself to be swindled by a confidence scam, you deserve the consequences.
Idle or in-transit time is not something to be spent, but invested.
Being old is strictly a state of mind.
When your age clicks over to the sixty mark, you should no longer be inclined to self-ask “How old am I?”, but rather “How many productive years do I have left?” This will provide a better perspective for making the most of your remaining time.
Given enough years to live, every person would eventually wise up and become a Socialist.
If you’ve nothing better left to do in this world than die, you might as well do it.
ON MANKIND
It’s a toss-up as to which is mankind’s most destructive invention – the nuclear bomb or the passenger automobile.
If it weren’t for selfishness and greed, most of the world’s problems could be readily eradicated by simple changes.
There is much concern being expressed these days over population explosion. In actual fact, the solution to this problem should be quite easy – impose the death penalty upon anyone convicted of corruption.
ON EDUCATION
With an educational institution being most appropriately definable as an environmental area where the prime duty of the person seated up front is to help you teach yourself, it logically follows that we have no such thing as poor schools – only poor students.
ON OCCUPATIONS
Anybody who is not a farmer by chosen occupation deserves to be classified as a horse’s ass.
When viewing European or other national royalty and their lifelong ceremonial duty requirements, the only suitable statement in their regard is “What a way to make a living”.
ON WORKING
Any of your subordinates who are not after your job should tell you either they aren’t remotely qualified, or else the position isn’t worth having.
The way to avoid last-minute changes is to do everything at the last minute.
The best indication of having done a good day’s work is a full waste basket at 5 PM.
ON TOBACCO
Despite the curtailment of Joe Camel and similarly “offensive” ads, coupled with severe restrictions on smoking allowed areas, tobacco companies are still enjoying impressive sales. Why not, then, carry the campaign to a further point where virtually every signpost or indoor spot available for display shows a poster proclaiming “CIGARETTES KILL”? How better can the message be hammered into disdainful minds?
ON U.S. POLITICS
The prime qualification for being a Republican is to have your head up your ass.
ON DOGS
We really have no objection to our best animal friends. What turns us off, though, are the people who bring them to places where only humans should be.
SUNDRY DEFINITIONS
An interesting place: Somewhere you’ve never been.
A library: A vast data storehouse containing all the information in the world except that which you’re expressly looking for.
An atrocity: Any act if aggression or terrorism not perpetrated by American or Israeli forces.
The United States: The land of the greedy and the home of the commercial.
McDonald’s: The number one symbol by which America continues to spread its non-culture throughout the world.
Bus drivers: Small-minded men operating large vehicles.
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