DON'T CALL ME MISTER

The adornment of persons' names with acquired titles has long been an established custom throughout the civilized world. American habits in such respect have lagged behind those of European and Asian countries, yet the trend here definitely seems to be on the rise.

In principle, we're allowed to carry on through life the most significant or impressive designation attained in the course of our careers. For example, a physician will still be addressed as Doctor after retirement, or even if he elects to leave the medical realm and sell shoes.

Upper echelon military officers are commonly known as General, Colonel, Admiral, or whatever their highest rank was, while they carry on post-service activities in business or elsewhere. We also have the once-earned-never-to-be-shed appellations of Sena­tor, Congressman, Governor, Mayor, Mr. President, Mr. Justice, and the like.

These privileged groups are further supplemented by the "Initialed Elite", or the people who've gained the right to post two or more letters after their names. In addition to the familiar A.B., M.A., and Ph.D., we have L.L.B., L.L.D., D.D., M.D., D.D.S., C.P.A., C.L.U., A.S.C., Q.C., and M.P., plus a host of others.

Despite the widespread use of such fancy words and alphabet mixtures, their access is still limited to a small, select population element. Considering how relatively few may be called Emperor, Prince, Duke, Baron, Archbishop, Rabbi, Warden, Your Honor, Your Highness, Your Excellency, et cetera, can it not be further envisioned that those of us with less lofty achievements will some day be permitted to embellish our mundane identities in a similar way?

Perhaps it wouldn't be out of line to expect that the following article might appear in a feature publication around 2050.

“The trend began in 2021, when the legal profession exhibited signs of unrest, due to having been greatly slighted over the years. It was felt that attorneys-at-law should be entitled to nomenclature on a parallel with the medical field.

“Accordingly, in February 2022, the American Bar Association encouraged each member to adopt formally one of several appellations:
Judge (restricted to those who had current or previous bench service),
Attorney,
Barrister, or
Solicitor.
“Authorizing the first-listed title was merely official recognition of an existing custom. As for the other three, the choice lay open, even though the separate terms don't possess a common meaning.

“Response was so enthusiastic that virtually every qualified person wasted not an instant before taking the prefix he or she found most acceptable. In many cases, some balanced, melodious, or rhyming sounds were brought about by the newly-adorned surnames. I can well recall such combinations as Solicitor Schultz, Barrister Browning, and Attorney McBurney.

“Once the lawyers had established this modus, a brother profession quickly followed suit, by announcing a stringent policy. The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants made it compulsory for members in good standing to use the appropriate initials after their names at all times. The decree soon resulted in such practice whereby a man away from home on business might send his wife a letter, closing with (for example):
Affectionately,
Ralph, C.P.A.

“The snowball effect continued. In August 2024, the Society of Industrial and Cost Accountants passed a resolution authorizing each member either to append S.I.C.A. to his name or formally precede it with the words Industrial Accountant.

“By early 2026, public pressure had become so great that Congress approved the Duncan-Reynolds Act, granting any individual citizen the right to adopt legally The most significant designation he or she had ever attained.

“There couldn't possibly have been a more spirited reaction. Men and women, both young and old, began frantically searching their attics for certificates or other supporting documentation, since the law stipulated that suitable evidence had to be presented at the local Federal Title Registration Office.

“However, following the emergence of a new wholesale forgery racket across the nation, the Act was later amended to allow for filing mere third-party affidavits which would corroborate a petitioner's sworn statement of claim to a desired prefix.

“When autumn of 2029 arrived, the responsible government bureaux were working round-the-clock shifts, to handle the rising flood of humanity which clamored at their portals. It had grown no longer fashionable to be an ordinary Mister, Mrs., Miss, or Ms. if you had any right whatsoever to a more impressive appellation.

“Many of us remember such prominent individuals as Air Medal Holder Paulson and Oscar Nominee Findlay, among others. I was closely acquainted with Beauty Contest Winner Marvin, the lady who had captured leading honors in the swimsuit pageant at the Lucasta, Illinois American Legion Post carnival in 1988. At age 60 she proudly regained her former glory.

Eddie Slover, who took the 2018 National League hitting crown, became the first to choose the official title of Batting Champion. From this point on, a deluge of applications were submitted and OK'd for such nomenclature (whether current or past) as Home Run Champion, Earned Run Average Champion, Field Goal Champion, Golf Tournament Champion, and countless more. The Duncan-Reynolds Act had been sufficiently liberal not to limit said rights to those attaining top status in the major sport circuits. Consequently, thousands of men assumed this sort of prefix based on boyhood achievements as little leaguers or summer camp softball players.

“One lesser known, yet nonetheless distinguished moniker was awarded to Yo-Yo Competition Winner Davis, whose performance at J.C. Penney’s 1974 contest held in Montenegro, Minnesota may never have been surpassed anywhere. Even though 68 years old, he still smiled from ear to ear whenever addressed by his reclaimed designation.

An endless list of possibilities was further offered by individual occupation or profession. Plating Department Foreman Long, Management Consultant Harris, Senior Invoice Clerk Moresby, Personnel Officer Wynn, and Customer Service Supervisor Kalinsky were among my more intimate friends in those days.

“As might be expected, some bad taste prefixes soon emerged. Perhaps they started when a Chicago lady of dubious virtue became legally known as Streetwalker Mulherne. Although the public frowned on such appellations, the trend continued. Pornography Dealer Thompson and Panderer Naismith were two whose adopted labels gained renown, not to mention a good bit of free advertising.

“The Duncan-Reynolds Act was also subsequently interpreted as permitting use of appropriate letters after a surname. Quite readily, therefore, the Ph.D.s, C.P.A.s, and others lost their traditional exclusivity. Federal Title Registration Offices in certain cities had many imaginative arrays on file, of which just a few are shown below.
L.U.C.S. (Leading Used Car Salesman)
Awarded to Herman Lenkenmuller of Ningunas, New Mexico, who had outdone
his fellow representatives at the Myers Ford Agency for each of the
preceding seven years.
M.A.T.D. (Most Artful Tango Dancers)
Awarded jointly to Vice President - Engineering Wellston and his wife,
of St. Louis. It was common knowledge that a more agile ballroom couple
couldn't be found in the midwest area, or maybe the entire country.
A.L.D. (Ardent Lover of Dogs)
Awarded to Staff Sergeant Leslie Ware of Atlanta, Georgia. However,
such designation is not to be confused with that of M.A.L.C.F.S. (Most
Ardent Lover of Canine and Feline Species), held by Spanish Teacher
Rodriguez of Waco, Texas.

“Certainly no combination was more elaborate than that granted Special Executive Assistant Waller, who owned rights to the letters G.C.B.C.P.D.C.W.O.P.L.R.P., standing for Genius at Creating Business Correspondence to Placate Dissatisfied Clients, Without Offering Possibility of Legal Recourse or Pursuit.

“So far as anyone recalls, the lengthiest set of title and initials in existence belonged to Harry Millstein. His job plus his social activities enabled the man to be called Vice Chairman and Recording Secretary of the Operational Planning Committee of the Well-Knit Hosiery Fabrication Company of Southern Louisiana Incorporated Millstein, A.B., M.A., M.P.P.A.S.A.B.R. (the final group being Most Popular Person in All Suburban Areas of Baton Rouge). Old acquaintances of the amply-termed gent confirm that he was indeed a charming fellow, quite deserving of such honor.

“In 2036, the plain Mrs. Willis Hogshead, H.S.G. (High School Graduate)introduced a new movement by not giving any of her children first or middle names. The logic was that they would eventually become obsolete through substitution of prefixes, so why bother? But the idea soon died out, since families with multiple offspring who followed the practice found it increasingly difficult to accomplish such otherwise simple tasks as summoning the kids to dinner. A specific testimonial was made in this regard by Girl Scout Patrol Leader Jacobsen of Great Neck, Long Island.

"’My entire brood of 7", she explained to me, "were absent from the house late one afternoon. In order to track them down, I decided I'd telephone their friends' homes. Placing a call to a neighbor several doors away, Woman's Club Treasurer McPhee, B.Sc., I duly identified myself by title and name, then started to ask if __________ might be there.

"’Suddenly, I realized it was impossible to tell her whom I sought. Nor could I inquire about __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, or ___________!

"’The situation proved totally frustrating. So, when the children at last did return, my husband, Veterans of Foreign Wars Post Commander Jacobsen, and I assigned names to each of them. __________ became Wesley, __________ became Lesley, __________ became Cecily, __________ became Presley, __________ became Thessaly, __________ became Nestle, and __________ became Junior.’

“And thusly that particular lady’s dilemma was solved.

”As we're all aware, however, the whole trend fell into decline around the year 2040. People had grown weary of using up to three lines writing somebody's full combination on an envelope, or taking perhaps ten seconds for a polite verbal salutation.

“Memories were often taxed unfairly, with mistakes frequent. Witness, for example, an incident I personally observed during the latter teen years, when Meat Market Proprietor O'Flaherty of Los Angeles addressed a customer in error one day.

“He said "Good morning, Wife of the President of the Chamber of Commerce Gormley", whereas he should have called her "Wife of the President of the Chamber of the Deputy Council Gormley". The woman was so offended that she gave the poor fellow a stern dressing down in front of several other patrons, including Bishop's Errand Boy Lotkins and Jeweler Chalmers, A.B.

“It’s generally agreed that the real turning point occurred on June 14, 2041, at the Elmira, New York Rotary Club luncheon. Nationwide headlines were created by Welcome Wagon Chairman Novak, C.L.U., as he publicly renounced his authorized title and initials before the assembled group, stating that henceforth he would just be known as Mister Percy Novak. Then, following a round of thunderous applause, Rotary Club President McDaniel, L.L.B., further announced his wish to be Mister Horace McDaniel. From there on, the backward slide to "ordinariness" developed an irreversible momentum.

“Even though the pre- and suffix era is now a thing of the past, a deep nostalgia lingers in many hearts. For example, a close chum of mine says he often dreams at night about being addressed as in bygone days -- Grocery Inspection Team Coordinator Newman. And admittedly, I still find myself somewhat resentful when a person calls me Mister Stanley Winkel, not using the distinctive moniker I once carried (but shan't mention here, in the interest of keeping it more or less sacred).

“My wife, who used to be known as Navy Lieutenant Lox-Winkel (adding her maiden name, since it usually accompanied the title), believes the lull is only temporary. In her opinion, proper designations will eventually return to their former state of grandeur.

“But I fear she may be overly optimistic.”