NO SUBSTITUTIONS, PLEASE

According to the internet, some feeble-minded film industry moguls recently did a film remake of Gone with the Wind, set in Australia, heaven forbid. In this writer’s opinion, that is virtually tantamount to rewriting the Bible as though the Garden of Eden were a small Pacific island and Jesus had delivered the Sermon on the Mount in New York’s Central Park.

As we view such matters, GWTW isn’t the only film upon which the “never again” label should be permanently affixed. Taking it from there, we intend to present below our private selection of ultraclassical movies, wherein certain individual or collective performances can never possibly be equalled, no matter how hard the directors and actors may try.

Unhappily, several of our chosen flicks have already been subject to attempted duplication, in one form or another. The listless results will also be covered below, as appropriate.

Without further ado then, we consider the following movies as being far too sacred to either be or have been redone, along with brief reasons why, presented in alphabetical sequence.

1. Butch Cassady and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Without the joint performances by Newman and Redford and their ultra-snappy dialogue, this production would have been no more than just another western. A prequel appeared a few years afterward, portraying the two legendary outlaws in their more youthful days, but amounted to mighty little.
2. Casablanca (1942)
Imagine this one without Bogie and Bergman! Had anyone else been cast in those leading roles, today we’d be asking “Casa where?” whenever it might be mentioned. Claude Rains did an unmatchable job as well.
3. The Godfather (1972)
The team of Brando, Pacino, Caan, and Duvall proved itself so memorable, that only the world’s biggest dunderheads would even think of a potential remake. Had it not been for that crew, the end result would have been a dry update of Little Caesar.
4. The Old Man and the Sea (1958)
Here is a very simple story, with Spencer Tracy turning out the best all-by-oneself acting we’ve ever witnessed. We didn’t see the 1990 rehash with Anthony Quinn playing the lead, and most assuredly never want to.
5. On Golden Pond (1981)
Despite all his previous successes, Henry Fonda was never better than in the old codgerish role which brought his sole Oscar award. Christopher Plummer’s subsequent rendition for television some years later didn’t even come close.
6. Psycho (1960)
As the disturbed and unbalanced killer, Anthony Perkins was nothing short of brilliant, in perhaps the most frightening top-of-the-line movie ever filmed. Describing that 1998 remake as utterly insipid is being polite and considerate.
7. Finally, we have an unbreakable tie, since the two lead parts dealt with a blind person making use of his and her remaining faculties to the fullest extent. The films we’re honoring are:
Scent of a Woman (1992)
Wait Until Dark (1967)
In our book, Al Pacino and Audrey Hepburn rank with the greatest the industry has produced. Their respective performances in the aforementioned flicks aren’t easy to forget.

We’ll be more than pleased, as always, to hear any reader arguments.