Although the nature of this piece seems to be seldom discussed between friends and associates, it’s likely that many individuals have their own private role models. For example, not too long ago we listened to a certain business colleague glowingly declare his personal allegiance to General George S. Patton of World War II fame, identifying the man as the one most admired and emulated by him.
Ironically, we’re unable to recall off-hand any additional conversations of this sort ever, yet we do embrace belief that such vicarious coexistences are really somewhat universal, and will now seize the opportunity to reveal our own deeper convictions on the matter. In our case, there happen to be five persons, all men, from varying walks of life, with whom we find virtual identity. We prefer, however, to classify them as soulmates, because what we sense are spiritual kinships, not outright hero-worship.
So that we might emphasize our relative equality of favoritism toward each gentleman and his reasons for inclusion here, our presentation follows in alphabetical sequence by surname.
BILL COSBY
This fellow possesses a pure and nonchalant down-to-earthness, prominently exhibited in everything we’ve ever heard him say, seen him do, or enjoyed listening to him recount his highly amusing personal life experiences, be they authentic or semi-fabricated. From a straight personability standpoint, he’s simply my kind of guy.
RICHARD HALLIBURTON
In younger days we were enthralled many times over by this man’s adventurousness and daring deeds, subsequently described most vividly in his books. Although we never personally came close to attaining heights comparable to his, we did our best to emulate him, through extensive world travel and meeting of the many foreign land challenges that arose.
JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY
JFK wasn’t just our 35th President. For his consistently youthful exuberance and driving spirit toward true democratic ideals, he represented, in our eyes, the living individual personalization of the United States itself, and what the country is really supposed to stand for.
FRANK SINATRA
To us, Frank was far more than one of the greatest overall entertainers the modern world has seen. The moralistic-minded and do-gooder types may frown on his allegedly sinful ways, but we can’t overlook the open gutsiness in speaking his mind honestly, while exhibiting a sense of independence which influenced the manner whereby he steadfastly refused to take guff from anybody anywhere.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
This man stood prominently as a 19th century lifelong devotee to personal disobedience, in line with the dictates of his conscience, against the perennial “establishment”. Unfortunately, we have grossly inadequate space here in which to describe his outlook on life qualities to a sufficient degree. We’re obliged instead to settle for a brief but sincere tribute to one of our country’s finer, albeit less than fully-appreciated thinkers.
WIND-UP
Any of our readers is accordingly invited to declare similar pseudo-kinships which may exist with other persons, living or otherwise.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
TINSELTOWN'S ANNUAL TURMOIL
At Hollywood’s very first academy award presentation affair in 1929, Janet Gaynor was accorded best actress honors for the past two-year period. With radio only an infant back then, and television no more than a gleam in David Sarnoff’s eye, the surrounding publicity could have been minimal at the most. We’ve also learned that Miss G went straight home and to bed following the ungala ceremony, because she had to be on another film set early in the morning.
In absolute contrast today, this whole Oscar business begins around January each year, as a covert buzz-buzz over who the nominees and winners might be. The hubbub then steadily grows and the suspense mounts considerably until that climactic early spring evening when Hollywood’s answer to the Super Bowl takes place in regal splendor, with far more pizzazz and hoopla than we feel is deserved.
Please don’t misunderstand, Folks. This fellow actually likes good movies, and thoroughly appreciates superb acting performances. We can’t help having reservations, though, about the overblown importance of the final winner names read from the heretofore closely-guarded secret envelopes, followed by gasps and shrieks, not to mention some “oh, nuts” shrugs.
Although we never fail to watch the annual spectacle, to us it’s just a show, not a nail-biter while waiting to see who has won out, category-by-category. Furthermore, our interest focuses solely upon the actors, actresses, and directors. We couldn’t care less about the color cinematography, the sound level monitoring, the dialogue editing, or whatever else the industry chooses to honor.
As for those select groups that capture our attention, we don’t really cheer over which persons end up emoting to the audience, but rather all five nominees in each case. We deem each one a winner, simply for the worthiness consideration bestowed by his or her peers.
According to what we once heard, actor Jack Oakie burst into tears at the ceremony, upon learning that someone else had been awarded the male supporting role Oscar for 1940, thus purportedly exceeding his performance in The Great Dictator. Why a grown man should become so unduly unglued over a lousy mantelpiece token lies beyond our comprehension, when simple nomination constitutes an honor unto itself in our book.
With such reasoning in mind, for some years we’ve been maintaining a private record, subject to annual update, of course, showing each actor, actress, and director nominee’s name. Who won? The hell with that. Our files don’t even mention which persons took the little bronze gizmos home with them.
We’re quite aware, though, that petty politics, personal rivalries, and fabricated prejudices often play a part in the yearly nominating and voting process, with deserving parties occasionally being overlooked. There has long seemed to be strong collective feeling against Barbra Streisand, for whatever small-minded reasoning might apply. Madonna failed to earn the slightest recognition for her memorable Evita role. Perhaps the moralist viewpoint held sway there, since she’s not exactly a candidate for casting as the Virgin Mary. We’ve never managed, however, to fathom why Debbie Reynolds was completely shunned, despite her performance in Mother.
One of Bette Davis’ many nominations was for her obnoxious characterization in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? We’ve read that if co-star and sworn enemy Joan Crawford had had her way, Miss Eyes would have received nary a mention, actually launching a hate campaign against her. It’s also unlikely that inimical sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland would ever have supported or voted for each other.
Anyway, the dirty end notwithstanding, we hold to the opinion that the film industry’s worthiest actors, actresses, and directors are best determinable by the relative number of nominations received over the years.
Unfortunately, such simplified methodology disqualifies the Gables, the Stewarts, the Bogarts, and a wide array of competent actresses. Still, that’s how the mop happens to flop.
In case any reader isn’t so aware from other available sources, our private list by chosen category appears below, the sole criterion being five or more yearly nominations.
ACTORS
Jack Nicholson (12)
Laurence Olivier (10)
Paul Newman, Spencer Tracy (9)
Marlon Brando, Jack Lemmon, Peter O’Toole, Al Pacino (8)
Richard Burton, Dustin Hoffman (7)
Michael Caine, Robert De Niro, Robert Duvall, Paul Muni (6)
ACTRESSES
Meryl Streep (15)
Katharine Hepburn (12)
Bette Davis (11)
Geraldine Page (8)
Ingrid Bergman, Jane Fonda, Greer Garson (7)
Ellen Burstyn, Judy Dench, Deborah Kerr, Jessica Lange, Vanessa Redgrave, Thelma Ritter,
Norma Shearer, Maggie Smith, Sissy Spacek, Kate Winslett (6)
DIRECTORS
William Wyler (12)
Billy Wilder (8)
David Lean, Fred Zinneman (7)
Woody Allen, Clarence Brown, Frank Capra, Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg (6)
Robert Altman, George Cukor, John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock, John Huston, Elia Kazan, George
Stevens, King Vidor (5)
Despite our unalterable rules, we must apologize for any reader’s favorites who’ve been left off.
In absolute contrast today, this whole Oscar business begins around January each year, as a covert buzz-buzz over who the nominees and winners might be. The hubbub then steadily grows and the suspense mounts considerably until that climactic early spring evening when Hollywood’s answer to the Super Bowl takes place in regal splendor, with far more pizzazz and hoopla than we feel is deserved.
Please don’t misunderstand, Folks. This fellow actually likes good movies, and thoroughly appreciates superb acting performances. We can’t help having reservations, though, about the overblown importance of the final winner names read from the heretofore closely-guarded secret envelopes, followed by gasps and shrieks, not to mention some “oh, nuts” shrugs.
Although we never fail to watch the annual spectacle, to us it’s just a show, not a nail-biter while waiting to see who has won out, category-by-category. Furthermore, our interest focuses solely upon the actors, actresses, and directors. We couldn’t care less about the color cinematography, the sound level monitoring, the dialogue editing, or whatever else the industry chooses to honor.
As for those select groups that capture our attention, we don’t really cheer over which persons end up emoting to the audience, but rather all five nominees in each case. We deem each one a winner, simply for the worthiness consideration bestowed by his or her peers.
According to what we once heard, actor Jack Oakie burst into tears at the ceremony, upon learning that someone else had been awarded the male supporting role Oscar for 1940, thus purportedly exceeding his performance in The Great Dictator. Why a grown man should become so unduly unglued over a lousy mantelpiece token lies beyond our comprehension, when simple nomination constitutes an honor unto itself in our book.
With such reasoning in mind, for some years we’ve been maintaining a private record, subject to annual update, of course, showing each actor, actress, and director nominee’s name. Who won? The hell with that. Our files don’t even mention which persons took the little bronze gizmos home with them.
We’re quite aware, though, that petty politics, personal rivalries, and fabricated prejudices often play a part in the yearly nominating and voting process, with deserving parties occasionally being overlooked. There has long seemed to be strong collective feeling against Barbra Streisand, for whatever small-minded reasoning might apply. Madonna failed to earn the slightest recognition for her memorable Evita role. Perhaps the moralist viewpoint held sway there, since she’s not exactly a candidate for casting as the Virgin Mary. We’ve never managed, however, to fathom why Debbie Reynolds was completely shunned, despite her performance in Mother.
One of Bette Davis’ many nominations was for her obnoxious characterization in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? We’ve read that if co-star and sworn enemy Joan Crawford had had her way, Miss Eyes would have received nary a mention, actually launching a hate campaign against her. It’s also unlikely that inimical sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland would ever have supported or voted for each other.
Anyway, the dirty end notwithstanding, we hold to the opinion that the film industry’s worthiest actors, actresses, and directors are best determinable by the relative number of nominations received over the years.
Unfortunately, such simplified methodology disqualifies the Gables, the Stewarts, the Bogarts, and a wide array of competent actresses. Still, that’s how the mop happens to flop.
In case any reader isn’t so aware from other available sources, our private list by chosen category appears below, the sole criterion being five or more yearly nominations.
ACTORS
Jack Nicholson (12)
Laurence Olivier (10)
Paul Newman, Spencer Tracy (9)
Marlon Brando, Jack Lemmon, Peter O’Toole, Al Pacino (8)
Richard Burton, Dustin Hoffman (7)
Michael Caine, Robert De Niro, Robert Duvall, Paul Muni (6)
ACTRESSES
Meryl Streep (15)
Katharine Hepburn (12)
Bette Davis (11)
Geraldine Page (8)
Ingrid Bergman, Jane Fonda, Greer Garson (7)
Ellen Burstyn, Judy Dench, Deborah Kerr, Jessica Lange, Vanessa Redgrave, Thelma Ritter,
Norma Shearer, Maggie Smith, Sissy Spacek, Kate Winslett (6)
DIRECTORS
William Wyler (12)
Billy Wilder (8)
David Lean, Fred Zinneman (7)
Woody Allen, Clarence Brown, Frank Capra, Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg (6)
Robert Altman, George Cukor, John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock, John Huston, Elia Kazan, George
Stevens, King Vidor (5)
Despite our unalterable rules, we must apologize for any reader’s favorites who’ve been left off.
Monday, August 3, 2009
OUR PERSONAL QUEST FOR A SIMPLER, FAIRER, AND MORE SETTLED WORLD
It seems true to this writer that every person’s across-the-board well-being might be vastly improved upon if only certain fundamental changes could be enacted – some seemingly rather complex, but most of them simple, at least in principle, and not really all that impractical. We feel they would bring about tremendous improvement to mankind’s ultimate benefit and peace of mind.
Wouldn’t it be nice if:
· Israel would cease to be a political entity and become only a religious haven?
· Congressional lobbying were completely outlawed?
· Religion were practiced by everyone on a seven-day per week basis, instead of just one?
· Corruption would be declared a crime punishable by death or life imprisonment?
· The people of Northern Ireland would decide to agree on what constitutes Christianity?
· TV commercials were outlawed?
· News broadcasts were limited to simple reporting only, totally devoid of analytical comment?
· All Republicans would shut up?
· The reformer-for-better-health types would attack candy, gum, and soft drink consumption, as well as that of cigarettes?
· Passenger automobiles would be made to disappear completely, restricting street and highway traffic to trucks and buses?
· Being obese would be deemed a crime punishable by fine or imprisonment?
. Every smoker could acquire a strong enough will to kick the habit?
Wouldn’t it be nice if:
· Israel would cease to be a political entity and become only a religious haven?
· Congressional lobbying were completely outlawed?
· Religion were practiced by everyone on a seven-day per week basis, instead of just one?
· Corruption would be declared a crime punishable by death or life imprisonment?
· The people of Northern Ireland would decide to agree on what constitutes Christianity?
· TV commercials were outlawed?
· News broadcasts were limited to simple reporting only, totally devoid of analytical comment?
· All Republicans would shut up?
· The reformer-for-better-health types would attack candy, gum, and soft drink consumption, as well as that of cigarettes?
· Passenger automobiles would be made to disappear completely, restricting street and highway traffic to trucks and buses?
· Being obese would be deemed a crime punishable by fine or imprisonment?
. Every smoker could acquire a strong enough will to kick the habit?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
PANSY AND BUTCH: A BOOK OF REVELATIONS UNTO THEMSELVES
Just recently we composed a theme devoted to the somewhat unsavory matter of suicide, based on Wikipedia’s long long long personal self-destruction listings. In slight contrast to the hackneyed expression about life being full of surprises, we quickly learned that so is death, considering how many famous names were thus identified without our previous awareness.
Being ever intrigued with new vistas to analyze, we then followed up by taking a look at Wikipedia’s even more extensive roster of confirmed gay gentlemen and lesbian ladies. To say we were astounded at times is one of those gross understatements for the ages – not only in respect to the huge unexpected quantity, but seeing many more specific individuals so categorized than we had remotely imagined.
According to Wikipedia, everyone shown as being on the gay or lesbian side is not exclusively oriented in that direction. The list actually includes any number of “both ways” venturers. On the other hand, those persons about whom mere rumor or innuendo has been put forward are expressly excluded. This rules out J. Edgar Hoover and his regular housemate Clyde Tolson, not to mention long term cohabitants Cary Grant and Randolph Scott, among others similarly suspected through sheer presumption.
Aside from the frequent “oh my gosh” and similar statements we uttered upon reviewing the roster, we couldn’t help but note the relative counts by field of occupational endeavor. The entertainment industry has amazingly produced the largest number of characters who’ve strayed across the supposed morality line, as either a full- or part-time practice. Whatever whys and wherefores brought about such conditions must remain a matter for our readers to resolve in their own minds. We’re not concerned here with conjectural reasoning, only cold numerical facts.
Our mini-list of nearly 150 readily recognizable people is headed by the actor/actress group, standing head, shoulders, torso, and waistline above all the rest. Even though the transgressive activities of Rock Hudson, Charles Laughton, Marlene Dietrich, Jodie Foster, Farley Granger, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Tommy Kirk, Tallulah Bankhead, and a few others have been common knowledge for quite a while, we didn’t expect to find such roughshod, staunchly masculinish lads like Marlon Brando, Raymond (Perry Mason himself) Burr, Alec Guinness, and Laurence Olivier included. The same comment goes for the distaff side, with such names as Joan Crawford and Greta Garbo, whose straightline bedroom affairs were a matter of public record, along with Kay Francis and the demure, matronly Spring Byington.
Moreover, what about male figures Dirk Bogard, Richard Chamberlain (TV’s Dr. Kildare), the strikingly handsome Montgomery Clift, the venerable John Gielgud, and Ramon Navarro of the first Ben Hur chariot race fame? Then there’s Robert Reed, the home-loving husband in the still-running Brady Bunch television series, rugged Latino gangster type Cesar Romero, David Ogden Stiers from M*A*S*H days, plus strong-willed character portrayers Monty Woolley and Clifton Webb.
Richard Deacon, comedy performer from the Dick Van Dyke show, appears on the list. So do the gifted James Dean, as well as Tab Hunter, Sal Mineo, and George Grizzard. We weren’t overly surprised about Paul Lynde, considering his effeminate on-screen mannerisms. Still, Alan Bates, Gene Raymond, and Anton Walbrook always impressed us as evidencing strict manliness.
British performers Denholm Elliott, Michael Redgrave, Dennis Price, John Inman, and the comedic Frankie Howerd’s presence startled us a bit, as did America’s Jack Cassidy, Richard Cromwell, and that lovable codger Will Geer. Nils Asther and Jack Smith round out the male actor array.
We registered some surprise at the inclusion of Nancy Kulp, the highly efficient, sex-starved Plain Jane from the Beverly Hillbillies series, and such more feminine types as Anne Heche, Drew Barrymore, and Angelica Jolie. We never expected Lily Tomlin, a true expert in sarcastic or semi-nut case characterization. The ladies’ roster closes with Alla Nazimova, whose stardom dates back to the 1920s.
Pop singers make up the next major entertainment complement. Elton John’s name wasn’t unexpected, nor were those of David Bowie and the sobbing vocalist Johnny Ray. However, Johnny Mathis’ presence gave us a jolt, especially due to his earlier outstanding track and field skills while attending San Francisco State.
Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith, marvelous blues singers from the 1920s era, form part of the Butch crew. We already knew about k.d. lang, but Carmen McRae, Janis Joplin, Lesley Gore, Carly Simon, Joan Baez, and Dusty Springfield weren’t fully anticipated. Neither was the highly respected Ethel Waters or Paris’ entertainment sweetheart for many moons Josephine Baker.
Masterful word manipulator Lorenz Hart starts the composer/lyricist group, followed by Frederic Loewe, Aaron Copland, the inimitable Cole Porter, and Leonard Bernstein. The European continent gives us the His Magnificence Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky and Gian Carlo Menotti, plus England’s Benjamin Britten. There are three more men, namely Percy Grainger, Stephen Sondheim, and Michael Tilson Thomas, but no ladies in this sub-category.
The musician field gives us the coyly smiling, ring-adorned Liberace, whom we knew about all along, but not necessarily so for classical pianists Vladimir Horowitz and Van Cliburn. Jazz vibraphonist Gary Burton and Duke Ellington’s unmatchable arranger and keyboard artist Billy Strayhorn complete this portion of the list.
We finish off the entertainer crew with film directors George Cukor and Franco Zeffirelli, and two of the world’s most artful dancers, Rudolf Nureyev and the fabulous Isadora Duncan.
Next in line for numerical prominence come an impressive list of authors, dramatists, and poets, beginning with Truman Capote, whose mannerisms have always been a dead giveaway. His fellow literary gays include luminaries Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward, Thornton Wilder, and Tennessee Williams, not to mention Frenchmen Jean Genet, Jean Cocteau, Marcel Proust, and Cyrano de Bergerac, Ireland’s Brendan Behan, and Englishman Hugh Walpole, along with Americans Gore Vidal, William Inge, Edward Albee, James Baldwin, John Cheever, and Horatio Alger.
Writers focusing on more specialized matters include sex habits researcher Alfred Kinsey, world traveler and daredevil adventurer Richard Halliburton (one of our personal heroes for that), and British gay icon Quentin Crisp.
On the lesbian side of literary achievement we find Daphne du Maurier, who wrote Rebecca and Jamaica Inn, both subject pieces for Hitchcock movies, then the intriguing Gertrude Stein, Willa Cather, playwright Virginia Woolf (whose suicide method bordered on the fantastic, if anyone cares to look up the facts), Françoise Sagan, and smut writer Xaviera Hollander.
We can’t overlook the poets’ corner, whose homosexual makeup includes England’s romanticist Lord Byron, patriotism’s strong advocate Rupert Brooke, and A.E. Housman, with Americans Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson from the 19th century, followed by W.H. Auden, Hart Crane, and Allen Ginsberg from the 20th. The sole lesbian representative in this class is Katherine Lee Bates, lyricist of America the Beautiful.
What remains is a potpourri from various fields of endeavor, headed by artists Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo from the middle ages, and our modern Andy Warhol. Five athletes appear, chiefly male tennis star Bill Tilden and female court performers Helen Jacobs, Billie Jean King, and Martina Navratilova. Despite the requisite ruggedness for pro football action, David Kopay reigns as the sole representative from said sport.
We’ll finish off with a miscellany consisting of:
Fashion designers Christian Dior and Yves St. Laurent
U.S. Congressman Barney Frank
Former Rhodesian Prime Minister Iain Smith
Grossly unloved Senator Joe McCarthy’s legal sidekick Roy Cohn
Worldly renowned economist John Maynard Keynes
Alexander the Great
British Monarch Edward II, immortalized in Christopher Marlowe’s play
Ancient Roman Emperor Hadrian
France’s Marquis de Sade
American social reformer Jane Addams
Columnist Joseph Alsop
Lyndon Johnson’s deposed staffer Walter Jenkins
Beatles’ business manager Brian Epstein
Ex-Congressman Newt Gingrich’s daughter Candace
Serial murderer Jeffrey Dahmer
Chances are we may never fully recover from the numerous surprises experienced while perusing the Wikipedia list from end to end. Our biggest relief, however, stems from the fact that the names Errol Flynn and Frank Sinatra aren’t included. Had either one been the case, we’d most likely have done a series of frustration-motivated back flips and wound up in a completely knocked out condition.
Being ever intrigued with new vistas to analyze, we then followed up by taking a look at Wikipedia’s even more extensive roster of confirmed gay gentlemen and lesbian ladies. To say we were astounded at times is one of those gross understatements for the ages – not only in respect to the huge unexpected quantity, but seeing many more specific individuals so categorized than we had remotely imagined.
According to Wikipedia, everyone shown as being on the gay or lesbian side is not exclusively oriented in that direction. The list actually includes any number of “both ways” venturers. On the other hand, those persons about whom mere rumor or innuendo has been put forward are expressly excluded. This rules out J. Edgar Hoover and his regular housemate Clyde Tolson, not to mention long term cohabitants Cary Grant and Randolph Scott, among others similarly suspected through sheer presumption.
Aside from the frequent “oh my gosh” and similar statements we uttered upon reviewing the roster, we couldn’t help but note the relative counts by field of occupational endeavor. The entertainment industry has amazingly produced the largest number of characters who’ve strayed across the supposed morality line, as either a full- or part-time practice. Whatever whys and wherefores brought about such conditions must remain a matter for our readers to resolve in their own minds. We’re not concerned here with conjectural reasoning, only cold numerical facts.
Our mini-list of nearly 150 readily recognizable people is headed by the actor/actress group, standing head, shoulders, torso, and waistline above all the rest. Even though the transgressive activities of Rock Hudson, Charles Laughton, Marlene Dietrich, Jodie Foster, Farley Granger, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Tommy Kirk, Tallulah Bankhead, and a few others have been common knowledge for quite a while, we didn’t expect to find such roughshod, staunchly masculinish lads like Marlon Brando, Raymond (Perry Mason himself) Burr, Alec Guinness, and Laurence Olivier included. The same comment goes for the distaff side, with such names as Joan Crawford and Greta Garbo, whose straightline bedroom affairs were a matter of public record, along with Kay Francis and the demure, matronly Spring Byington.
Moreover, what about male figures Dirk Bogard, Richard Chamberlain (TV’s Dr. Kildare), the strikingly handsome Montgomery Clift, the venerable John Gielgud, and Ramon Navarro of the first Ben Hur chariot race fame? Then there’s Robert Reed, the home-loving husband in the still-running Brady Bunch television series, rugged Latino gangster type Cesar Romero, David Ogden Stiers from M*A*S*H days, plus strong-willed character portrayers Monty Woolley and Clifton Webb.
Richard Deacon, comedy performer from the Dick Van Dyke show, appears on the list. So do the gifted James Dean, as well as Tab Hunter, Sal Mineo, and George Grizzard. We weren’t overly surprised about Paul Lynde, considering his effeminate on-screen mannerisms. Still, Alan Bates, Gene Raymond, and Anton Walbrook always impressed us as evidencing strict manliness.
British performers Denholm Elliott, Michael Redgrave, Dennis Price, John Inman, and the comedic Frankie Howerd’s presence startled us a bit, as did America’s Jack Cassidy, Richard Cromwell, and that lovable codger Will Geer. Nils Asther and Jack Smith round out the male actor array.
We registered some surprise at the inclusion of Nancy Kulp, the highly efficient, sex-starved Plain Jane from the Beverly Hillbillies series, and such more feminine types as Anne Heche, Drew Barrymore, and Angelica Jolie. We never expected Lily Tomlin, a true expert in sarcastic or semi-nut case characterization. The ladies’ roster closes with Alla Nazimova, whose stardom dates back to the 1920s.
Pop singers make up the next major entertainment complement. Elton John’s name wasn’t unexpected, nor were those of David Bowie and the sobbing vocalist Johnny Ray. However, Johnny Mathis’ presence gave us a jolt, especially due to his earlier outstanding track and field skills while attending San Francisco State.
Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith, marvelous blues singers from the 1920s era, form part of the Butch crew. We already knew about k.d. lang, but Carmen McRae, Janis Joplin, Lesley Gore, Carly Simon, Joan Baez, and Dusty Springfield weren’t fully anticipated. Neither was the highly respected Ethel Waters or Paris’ entertainment sweetheart for many moons Josephine Baker.
Masterful word manipulator Lorenz Hart starts the composer/lyricist group, followed by Frederic Loewe, Aaron Copland, the inimitable Cole Porter, and Leonard Bernstein. The European continent gives us the His Magnificence Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky and Gian Carlo Menotti, plus England’s Benjamin Britten. There are three more men, namely Percy Grainger, Stephen Sondheim, and Michael Tilson Thomas, but no ladies in this sub-category.
The musician field gives us the coyly smiling, ring-adorned Liberace, whom we knew about all along, but not necessarily so for classical pianists Vladimir Horowitz and Van Cliburn. Jazz vibraphonist Gary Burton and Duke Ellington’s unmatchable arranger and keyboard artist Billy Strayhorn complete this portion of the list.
We finish off the entertainer crew with film directors George Cukor and Franco Zeffirelli, and two of the world’s most artful dancers, Rudolf Nureyev and the fabulous Isadora Duncan.
Next in line for numerical prominence come an impressive list of authors, dramatists, and poets, beginning with Truman Capote, whose mannerisms have always been a dead giveaway. His fellow literary gays include luminaries Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward, Thornton Wilder, and Tennessee Williams, not to mention Frenchmen Jean Genet, Jean Cocteau, Marcel Proust, and Cyrano de Bergerac, Ireland’s Brendan Behan, and Englishman Hugh Walpole, along with Americans Gore Vidal, William Inge, Edward Albee, James Baldwin, John Cheever, and Horatio Alger.
Writers focusing on more specialized matters include sex habits researcher Alfred Kinsey, world traveler and daredevil adventurer Richard Halliburton (one of our personal heroes for that), and British gay icon Quentin Crisp.
On the lesbian side of literary achievement we find Daphne du Maurier, who wrote Rebecca and Jamaica Inn, both subject pieces for Hitchcock movies, then the intriguing Gertrude Stein, Willa Cather, playwright Virginia Woolf (whose suicide method bordered on the fantastic, if anyone cares to look up the facts), Françoise Sagan, and smut writer Xaviera Hollander.
We can’t overlook the poets’ corner, whose homosexual makeup includes England’s romanticist Lord Byron, patriotism’s strong advocate Rupert Brooke, and A.E. Housman, with Americans Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson from the 19th century, followed by W.H. Auden, Hart Crane, and Allen Ginsberg from the 20th. The sole lesbian representative in this class is Katherine Lee Bates, lyricist of America the Beautiful.
What remains is a potpourri from various fields of endeavor, headed by artists Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo from the middle ages, and our modern Andy Warhol. Five athletes appear, chiefly male tennis star Bill Tilden and female court performers Helen Jacobs, Billie Jean King, and Martina Navratilova. Despite the requisite ruggedness for pro football action, David Kopay reigns as the sole representative from said sport.
We’ll finish off with a miscellany consisting of:
Fashion designers Christian Dior and Yves St. Laurent
U.S. Congressman Barney Frank
Former Rhodesian Prime Minister Iain Smith
Grossly unloved Senator Joe McCarthy’s legal sidekick Roy Cohn
Worldly renowned economist John Maynard Keynes
Alexander the Great
British Monarch Edward II, immortalized in Christopher Marlowe’s play
Ancient Roman Emperor Hadrian
France’s Marquis de Sade
American social reformer Jane Addams
Columnist Joseph Alsop
Lyndon Johnson’s deposed staffer Walter Jenkins
Beatles’ business manager Brian Epstein
Ex-Congressman Newt Gingrich’s daughter Candace
Serial murderer Jeffrey Dahmer
Chances are we may never fully recover from the numerous surprises experienced while perusing the Wikipedia list from end to end. Our biggest relief, however, stems from the fact that the names Errol Flynn and Frank Sinatra aren’t included. Had either one been the case, we’d most likely have done a series of frustration-motivated back flips and wound up in a completely knocked out condition.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
A BRIEF EXERCISE IN MORBID CURIOSITY
Since our modern-day omnipresent, omniscient, and perhaps even omnipotent internet contains a lot or at least a little about everything and everybody, a casual browser is apt to stumble onto virtually any subject at times.
A somewhat significant aspect of life and its ultimate close which we happened to come across one rainy afternoon was suicide. Whereas the free Wikipedia library displayed a lengthy list of confirmed, suspected, and even forced by circumstance demises wrought via said route, our curiosity became sufficiently piqued to scroll through the alphabetized presentation. There were more than a few eyebrow-raising surprises.
Although an objective observer is often further tempted to probe the reasons why certain given individuals would choose such means for leaving our known universe, we consider this a far too depressing effort. Consequently, we chose not to click on any of the more famous names in order to seek added background. A person’s self-inflicted departure motivation should stand as his or her private business, even though we might dispute this course of action in principle.
The grim list includes a number of cases which prominently occupy the public domain, thanks to history and Shakespearean drama. Almost everyone with a modicum of education today knows about the suicidal means employed by Marcus Brutus, then later by his antagonist Marc Antony, and the second-named’s wife Cleopatra, who intentionally thrust her hand into a basket containing an asp (according to Liz Taylor’s portrayal, at least). Other renowned world figures Emperor Nero and military master Hannibal appear on the did-it-themselves roster, as does Socrates, the great philosopher, who (we presume) downed a mug of poison hemlock under forceful duress.
When Nazi Germany’s downfall had become apparent to all, master race ruler Adolf Hitler, his recent blushing bride Eva Braun, and Reichsmarshals Herman Göring and Heinrich Himmler followed selective suicidal routes in apparent despair over failed missions. Joining them were the despicable Josef Goebbels and his wife, who “graciously” took their several children along. With whatever human respect might be due, a collective “good riddance” comment should apply herein, except for the unduly martyred offspring.
Moving onward to other well-remembered members of the lost flock, we turn to the movie industry. Although many in our midst tend to view the tinseltown realm as one offering optimum fame and fortune rewards to a lucky population handful, manifold reasons evidently convinced certain bright-lighted or upcoming stars to the contrary. Well-established actors Charles Boyer, George Sanders, Walter Slezak, Gig Young, and Everett Sloan self-succumbed to depressing elements, along with Brian Keith, Scotty Beckett (from the Our Gang kids), Albert Salmi, Ross Alexander, actor-director Richard Quine, and director Woody Van Dyke. The same fate befell actresses Carole Landis, Rachel Roberts, Inger Stevens, Gia Scala, Jean Seberg, Lupe Velez, Thelma Todd, and John Barrymore’s daughter Diana.
Several prominent television performers followed suit, chiefly Britain’s top comedian Tony Hancock, Rusty Hamer from the Danny Thomas family show, and George Reeves, the first actor to play Superman (not to be confused to Christopher Reeve, who starred as the immigrant from the planet Krypton in the movie series). Others from said field were show host Dave Garroway and newscaster Don Hollenbeck.
Aside from Hancock, the comedy world similarly lost Doodles Weaver, whose vocal rendition of Fietelbaum once scored a cornball music hit with the Spike Jones City Slickers ensemble. Another such casualty was Paul McCullough, now an all-but-forgotten fur-coated member of a zany vaudeville and film short team with Bobby Clark.
We also noted the names of early jazz era bandleader Ben Pollack and latter-day saxophonist Albert Ayler, both widely known in the popular music world.
Dramatic and fiction writing gentry who left of their own accord were the revered Ernest Hemingway, plus other authors Hart Crane and William Inge, poet Vachel Lindsay, and playwright Virginia Woolf (whose reference in a subsequent Broadway hit rendered her even more famous than ever).
The world of sport is further represented by boxers Freddie Mills and Randy Turpin, one-time light heavy- and middleweight world champions respectively, ace Dodger relief pitcher Hugh Casey, and Cincinnati Reds’ reserve catcher Willard Herschberger. All-pro football offensive tackle Jim Tyrer shot his wife to death, then turned the weapon on himself.
Holding high or otherwise significant governmental positions didn’t deter a number of men from self-victimization. Brazilian President Getulio Vargas, U.S. Senators from California and Wisconsin respectively William Knowland and Robert LaFollette Jr., U.S. Defense Secretary James Forrestal, Clinton White House staffer Vincent Foster, and major British politico-military figure in Indian colonialism Robert Clive.
Although the rest of the list is quite lengthy in its entirety, the better known remaining individuals include modern psychiatry’s patron saint Sigmund Freud, roll film inventor George Eastman, World War I German flying ace and later daring aerial stunt performer Ernst Udet, and Al Capone’s top level henchman Frank Nitti.
Rather surprisingly, two of Bing Crosby’s four sons, Dennis and Lindsay, took their own lives voluntarily.
Another suicide affair, comparable to that foisted upon Socrates as mentioned earlier, found Germany’s World War II Field Marshal Erwin Rommel being forced to meet his fate by taking poison, under charges of conspiracy against the Fuhrer.
What’s that? Why haven’t we mentioned the self-hanging act carried out by Judas Iscariot, following his betrayal of Christ? It so happens that his suicide has never been “officially” confirmed, due to text conflicts noted in the Holy Scriptures. Similar uncertainties surround the demises of film goddess Marilyn Monroe, long-term war criminal/political prisoner Rudolf Hess, movie hero Alan Ladd, renowned 18th century U.S. territorial explorer Meriwether Lewis, adventure novelist Jack London, Russian composer Peter Ilyich Thaikovsky, Czech statesman Jan Masaryk, American political activist and demonstrator Abbie Hoffman, and actresses Romy Schneider and Pier Angeli. For rather obvious reasons, the pertinent facts don’t always happen to be that fully clear.
We close with an abject apology for delving into what really amounts to a gruesome topic. Nevertheless, when one’s curiosity is aroused by numerous surprises appearing among this unfortunate band of defeatists, the temptation to offer some appropriate commentary defies resistance.
A somewhat significant aspect of life and its ultimate close which we happened to come across one rainy afternoon was suicide. Whereas the free Wikipedia library displayed a lengthy list of confirmed, suspected, and even forced by circumstance demises wrought via said route, our curiosity became sufficiently piqued to scroll through the alphabetized presentation. There were more than a few eyebrow-raising surprises.
Although an objective observer is often further tempted to probe the reasons why certain given individuals would choose such means for leaving our known universe, we consider this a far too depressing effort. Consequently, we chose not to click on any of the more famous names in order to seek added background. A person’s self-inflicted departure motivation should stand as his or her private business, even though we might dispute this course of action in principle.
The grim list includes a number of cases which prominently occupy the public domain, thanks to history and Shakespearean drama. Almost everyone with a modicum of education today knows about the suicidal means employed by Marcus Brutus, then later by his antagonist Marc Antony, and the second-named’s wife Cleopatra, who intentionally thrust her hand into a basket containing an asp (according to Liz Taylor’s portrayal, at least). Other renowned world figures Emperor Nero and military master Hannibal appear on the did-it-themselves roster, as does Socrates, the great philosopher, who (we presume) downed a mug of poison hemlock under forceful duress.
When Nazi Germany’s downfall had become apparent to all, master race ruler Adolf Hitler, his recent blushing bride Eva Braun, and Reichsmarshals Herman Göring and Heinrich Himmler followed selective suicidal routes in apparent despair over failed missions. Joining them were the despicable Josef Goebbels and his wife, who “graciously” took their several children along. With whatever human respect might be due, a collective “good riddance” comment should apply herein, except for the unduly martyred offspring.
Moving onward to other well-remembered members of the lost flock, we turn to the movie industry. Although many in our midst tend to view the tinseltown realm as one offering optimum fame and fortune rewards to a lucky population handful, manifold reasons evidently convinced certain bright-lighted or upcoming stars to the contrary. Well-established actors Charles Boyer, George Sanders, Walter Slezak, Gig Young, and Everett Sloan self-succumbed to depressing elements, along with Brian Keith, Scotty Beckett (from the Our Gang kids), Albert Salmi, Ross Alexander, actor-director Richard Quine, and director Woody Van Dyke. The same fate befell actresses Carole Landis, Rachel Roberts, Inger Stevens, Gia Scala, Jean Seberg, Lupe Velez, Thelma Todd, and John Barrymore’s daughter Diana.
Several prominent television performers followed suit, chiefly Britain’s top comedian Tony Hancock, Rusty Hamer from the Danny Thomas family show, and George Reeves, the first actor to play Superman (not to be confused to Christopher Reeve, who starred as the immigrant from the planet Krypton in the movie series). Others from said field were show host Dave Garroway and newscaster Don Hollenbeck.
Aside from Hancock, the comedy world similarly lost Doodles Weaver, whose vocal rendition of Fietelbaum once scored a cornball music hit with the Spike Jones City Slickers ensemble. Another such casualty was Paul McCullough, now an all-but-forgotten fur-coated member of a zany vaudeville and film short team with Bobby Clark.
We also noted the names of early jazz era bandleader Ben Pollack and latter-day saxophonist Albert Ayler, both widely known in the popular music world.
Dramatic and fiction writing gentry who left of their own accord were the revered Ernest Hemingway, plus other authors Hart Crane and William Inge, poet Vachel Lindsay, and playwright Virginia Woolf (whose reference in a subsequent Broadway hit rendered her even more famous than ever).
The world of sport is further represented by boxers Freddie Mills and Randy Turpin, one-time light heavy- and middleweight world champions respectively, ace Dodger relief pitcher Hugh Casey, and Cincinnati Reds’ reserve catcher Willard Herschberger. All-pro football offensive tackle Jim Tyrer shot his wife to death, then turned the weapon on himself.
Holding high or otherwise significant governmental positions didn’t deter a number of men from self-victimization. Brazilian President Getulio Vargas, U.S. Senators from California and Wisconsin respectively William Knowland and Robert LaFollette Jr., U.S. Defense Secretary James Forrestal, Clinton White House staffer Vincent Foster, and major British politico-military figure in Indian colonialism Robert Clive.
Although the rest of the list is quite lengthy in its entirety, the better known remaining individuals include modern psychiatry’s patron saint Sigmund Freud, roll film inventor George Eastman, World War I German flying ace and later daring aerial stunt performer Ernst Udet, and Al Capone’s top level henchman Frank Nitti.
Rather surprisingly, two of Bing Crosby’s four sons, Dennis and Lindsay, took their own lives voluntarily.
Another suicide affair, comparable to that foisted upon Socrates as mentioned earlier, found Germany’s World War II Field Marshal Erwin Rommel being forced to meet his fate by taking poison, under charges of conspiracy against the Fuhrer.
What’s that? Why haven’t we mentioned the self-hanging act carried out by Judas Iscariot, following his betrayal of Christ? It so happens that his suicide has never been “officially” confirmed, due to text conflicts noted in the Holy Scriptures. Similar uncertainties surround the demises of film goddess Marilyn Monroe, long-term war criminal/political prisoner Rudolf Hess, movie hero Alan Ladd, renowned 18th century U.S. territorial explorer Meriwether Lewis, adventure novelist Jack London, Russian composer Peter Ilyich Thaikovsky, Czech statesman Jan Masaryk, American political activist and demonstrator Abbie Hoffman, and actresses Romy Schneider and Pier Angeli. For rather obvious reasons, the pertinent facts don’t always happen to be that fully clear.
We close with an abject apology for delving into what really amounts to a gruesome topic. Nevertheless, when one’s curiosity is aroused by numerous surprises appearing among this unfortunate band of defeatists, the temptation to offer some appropriate commentary defies resistance.
OUT OF SIGHT BUT NOT OUT OF MIND
As an avid collector of jazz music from bygone days, this fellow has compiled a fairly massive CD library. Included among the performing greats are many of the leading female singers from past eras.
Listening to such ladies warble at their best offers no end of pleasure on long afternoons. Unfortunately, though, certain of their favored numbers also appear today as video productions on Youtube and elsewhere. Here is where our satisfaction level often takes a nose dive upon seeing some of them in their upper bracket years. We actually find it preferable, when watching a few of our chanteuse heroines in the much too much flesh, to click “minimize”, so as to hear well while seeing no evil.
Whereas one may recall such lasses as Sarah Vaughan, Rosemary Clooney, Keely Smith, Carmen McRae, et al nicely tailored and in slim, trim form not that many years back, the latter-day filmed output often reveals the degree to which French fries and pasta have added enough extra poundage to envision them instead for potential linebacker duty with the Dallas Cowboys.
The presence of gray or red-tinted hair replacing the once well-coiffeured jet black or cool blonde locks doesn’t upset us. Nancy Wilson, Lena Horne, and Maxine Sullivan, for example, at least retained their relatively graceful figures at advanced ages. We can readily excuse Ella Fitzgerald, who nearly always carried a bit too much bulk, but dressed appropriately nevertheless, in contrast to the elder Vaughans and Clooneys, attempting vainly to disguise obesity with what resembled maternity clothing.
No matter the age, virtually any lady in possession of inspiring vocal qualities ought to be entitled to carry on her trade without regard to accumulated years. However, our humble request to those who offer videotaped elderly and overly padded female singers is that they be presented in audio form only. Our esthetic goal is to savor the marvelous tones, without having to observe the extent to which relative obesity took hold.
Listening to such ladies warble at their best offers no end of pleasure on long afternoons. Unfortunately, though, certain of their favored numbers also appear today as video productions on Youtube and elsewhere. Here is where our satisfaction level often takes a nose dive upon seeing some of them in their upper bracket years. We actually find it preferable, when watching a few of our chanteuse heroines in the much too much flesh, to click “minimize”, so as to hear well while seeing no evil.
Whereas one may recall such lasses as Sarah Vaughan, Rosemary Clooney, Keely Smith, Carmen McRae, et al nicely tailored and in slim, trim form not that many years back, the latter-day filmed output often reveals the degree to which French fries and pasta have added enough extra poundage to envision them instead for potential linebacker duty with the Dallas Cowboys.
The presence of gray or red-tinted hair replacing the once well-coiffeured jet black or cool blonde locks doesn’t upset us. Nancy Wilson, Lena Horne, and Maxine Sullivan, for example, at least retained their relatively graceful figures at advanced ages. We can readily excuse Ella Fitzgerald, who nearly always carried a bit too much bulk, but dressed appropriately nevertheless, in contrast to the elder Vaughans and Clooneys, attempting vainly to disguise obesity with what resembled maternity clothing.
No matter the age, virtually any lady in possession of inspiring vocal qualities ought to be entitled to carry on her trade without regard to accumulated years. However, our humble request to those who offer videotaped elderly and overly padded female singers is that they be presented in audio form only. Our esthetic goal is to savor the marvelous tones, without having to observe the extent to which relative obesity took hold.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
DON'T CALL ME MISTER
The adornment of persons' names with acquired titles has long been an established custom throughout the civilized world. American habits in such respect have lagged behind those of European and Asian countries, yet the trend here definitely seems to be on the rise.
In principle, we're allowed to carry on through life the most significant or impressive designation attained in the course of our careers. For example, a physician will still be addressed as Doctor after retirement, or even if he elects to leave the medical realm and sell shoes.
Upper echelon military officers are commonly known as General, Colonel, Admiral, or whatever their highest rank was, while they carry on post-service activities in business or elsewhere. We also have the once-earned-never-to-be-shed appellations of Senator, Congressman, Governor, Mayor, Mr. President, Mr. Justice, and the like.
These privileged groups are further supplemented by the "Initialed Elite", or the people who've gained the right to post two or more letters after their names. In addition to the familiar A.B., M.A., and Ph.D., we have L.L.B., L.L.D., D.D., M.D., D.D.S., C.P.A., C.L.U., A.S.C., Q.C., and M.P., plus a host of others.
Despite the widespread use of such fancy words and alphabet mixtures, their access is still limited to a small, select population element. Considering how relatively few may be called Emperor, Prince, Duke, Baron, Archbishop, Rabbi, Warden, Your Honor, Your Highness, Your Excellency, et cetera, can it not be further envisioned that those of us with less lofty achievements will some day be permitted to embellish our mundane identities in a similar way?
Perhaps it wouldn't be out of line to expect that the following article might appear in a feature publication around 2050.
“The trend began in 2021, when the legal profession exhibited signs of unrest, due to having been greatly slighted over the years. It was felt that attorneys-at-law should be entitled to nomenclature on a parallel with the medical field.
“Accordingly, in February 2022, the American Bar Association encouraged each member to adopt formally one of several appellations:
Judge (restricted to those who had current or previous bench service),
Attorney,
Barrister, or
Solicitor.
“Authorizing the first-listed title was merely official recognition of an existing custom. As for the other three, the choice lay open, even though the separate terms don't possess a common meaning.
“Response was so enthusiastic that virtually every qualified person wasted not an instant before taking the prefix he or she found most acceptable. In many cases, some balanced, melodious, or rhyming sounds were brought about by the newly-adorned surnames. I can well recall such combinations as Solicitor Schultz, Barrister Browning, and Attorney McBurney.
“Once the lawyers had established this modus, a brother profession quickly followed suit, by announcing a stringent policy. The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants made it compulsory for members in good standing to use the appropriate initials after their names at all times. The decree soon resulted in such practice whereby a man away from home on business might send his wife a letter, closing with (for example):
Affectionately,
Ralph, C.P.A.
“The snowball effect continued. In August 2024, the Society of Industrial and Cost Accountants passed a resolution authorizing each member either to append S.I.C.A. to his name or formally precede it with the words Industrial Accountant.
“By early 2026, public pressure had become so great that Congress approved the Duncan-Reynolds Act, granting any individual citizen the right to adopt legally The most significant designation he or she had ever attained.
“There couldn't possibly have been a more spirited reaction. Men and women, both young and old, began frantically searching their attics for certificates or other supporting documentation, since the law stipulated that suitable evidence had to be presented at the local Federal Title Registration Office.
“However, following the emergence of a new wholesale forgery racket across the nation, the Act was later amended to allow for filing mere third-party affidavits which would corroborate a petitioner's sworn statement of claim to a desired prefix.
“When autumn of 2029 arrived, the responsible government bureaux were working round-the-clock shifts, to handle the rising flood of humanity which clamored at their portals. It had grown no longer fashionable to be an ordinary Mister, Mrs., Miss, or Ms. if you had any right whatsoever to a more impressive appellation.
“Many of us remember such prominent individuals as Air Medal Holder Paulson and Oscar Nominee Findlay, among others. I was closely acquainted with Beauty Contest Winner Marvin, the lady who had captured leading honors in the swimsuit pageant at the Lucasta, Illinois American Legion Post carnival in 1988. At age 60 she proudly regained her former glory.
Eddie Slover, who took the 2018 National League hitting crown, became the first to choose the official title of Batting Champion. From this point on, a deluge of applications were submitted and OK'd for such nomenclature (whether current or past) as Home Run Champion, Earned Run Average Champion, Field Goal Champion, Golf Tournament Champion, and countless more. The Duncan-Reynolds Act had been sufficiently liberal not to limit said rights to those attaining top status in the major sport circuits. Consequently, thousands of men assumed this sort of prefix based on boyhood achievements as little leaguers or summer camp softball players.
“One lesser known, yet nonetheless distinguished moniker was awarded to Yo-Yo Competition Winner Davis, whose performance at J.C. Penney’s 1974 contest held in Montenegro, Minnesota may never have been surpassed anywhere. Even though 68 years old, he still smiled from ear to ear whenever addressed by his reclaimed designation.
An endless list of possibilities was further offered by individual occupation or profession. Plating Department Foreman Long, Management Consultant Harris, Senior Invoice Clerk Moresby, Personnel Officer Wynn, and Customer Service Supervisor Kalinsky were among my more intimate friends in those days.
“As might be expected, some bad taste prefixes soon emerged. Perhaps they started when a Chicago lady of dubious virtue became legally known as Streetwalker Mulherne. Although the public frowned on such appellations, the trend continued. Pornography Dealer Thompson and Panderer Naismith were two whose adopted labels gained renown, not to mention a good bit of free advertising.
“The Duncan-Reynolds Act was also subsequently interpreted as permitting use of appropriate letters after a surname. Quite readily, therefore, the Ph.D.s, C.P.A.s, and others lost their traditional exclusivity. Federal Title Registration Offices in certain cities had many imaginative arrays on file, of which just a few are shown below.
L.U.C.S. (Leading Used Car Salesman)
Awarded to Herman Lenkenmuller of Ningunas, New Mexico, who had outdone
his fellow representatives at the Myers Ford Agency for each of the
preceding seven years.
M.A.T.D. (Most Artful Tango Dancers)
Awarded jointly to Vice President - Engineering Wellston and his wife,
of St. Louis. It was common knowledge that a more agile ballroom couple
couldn't be found in the midwest area, or maybe the entire country.
A.L.D. (Ardent Lover of Dogs)
Awarded to Staff Sergeant Leslie Ware of Atlanta, Georgia. However,
such designation is not to be confused with that of M.A.L.C.F.S. (Most
Ardent Lover of Canine and Feline Species), held by Spanish Teacher
Rodriguez of Waco, Texas.
“Certainly no combination was more elaborate than that granted Special Executive Assistant Waller, who owned rights to the letters G.C.B.C.P.D.C.W.O.P.L.R.P., standing for Genius at Creating Business Correspondence to Placate Dissatisfied Clients, Without Offering Possibility of Legal Recourse or Pursuit.
“So far as anyone recalls, the lengthiest set of title and initials in existence belonged to Harry Millstein. His job plus his social activities enabled the man to be called Vice Chairman and Recording Secretary of the Operational Planning Committee of the Well-Knit Hosiery Fabrication Company of Southern Louisiana Incorporated Millstein, A.B., M.A., M.P.P.A.S.A.B.R. (the final group being Most Popular Person in All Suburban Areas of Baton Rouge). Old acquaintances of the amply-termed gent confirm that he was indeed a charming fellow, quite deserving of such honor.
“In 2036, the plain Mrs. Willis Hogshead, H.S.G. (High School Graduate)introduced a new movement by not giving any of her children first or middle names. The logic was that they would eventually become obsolete through substitution of prefixes, so why bother? But the idea soon died out, since families with multiple offspring who followed the practice found it increasingly difficult to accomplish such otherwise simple tasks as summoning the kids to dinner. A specific testimonial was made in this regard by Girl Scout Patrol Leader Jacobsen of Great Neck, Long Island.
"’My entire brood of 7", she explained to me, "were absent from the house late one afternoon. In order to track them down, I decided I'd telephone their friends' homes. Placing a call to a neighbor several doors away, Woman's Club Treasurer McPhee, B.Sc., I duly identified myself by title and name, then started to ask if __________ might be there.
"’Suddenly, I realized it was impossible to tell her whom I sought. Nor could I inquire about __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, or ___________!
"’The situation proved totally frustrating. So, when the children at last did return, my husband, Veterans of Foreign Wars Post Commander Jacobsen, and I assigned names to each of them. __________ became Wesley, __________ became Lesley, __________ became Cecily, __________ became Presley, __________ became Thessaly, __________ became Nestle, and __________ became Junior.’
“And thusly that particular lady’s dilemma was solved.
”As we're all aware, however, the whole trend fell into decline around the year 2040. People had grown weary of using up to three lines writing somebody's full combination on an envelope, or taking perhaps ten seconds for a polite verbal salutation.
“Memories were often taxed unfairly, with mistakes frequent. Witness, for example, an incident I personally observed during the latter teen years, when Meat Market Proprietor O'Flaherty of Los Angeles addressed a customer in error one day.
“He said "Good morning, Wife of the President of the Chamber of Commerce Gormley", whereas he should have called her "Wife of the President of the Chamber of the Deputy Council Gormley". The woman was so offended that she gave the poor fellow a stern dressing down in front of several other patrons, including Bishop's Errand Boy Lotkins and Jeweler Chalmers, A.B.
“It’s generally agreed that the real turning point occurred on June 14, 2041, at the Elmira, New York Rotary Club luncheon. Nationwide headlines were created by Welcome Wagon Chairman Novak, C.L.U., as he publicly renounced his authorized title and initials before the assembled group, stating that henceforth he would just be known as Mister Percy Novak. Then, following a round of thunderous applause, Rotary Club President McDaniel, L.L.B., further announced his wish to be Mister Horace McDaniel. From there on, the backward slide to "ordinariness" developed an irreversible momentum.
“Even though the pre- and suffix era is now a thing of the past, a deep nostalgia lingers in many hearts. For example, a close chum of mine says he often dreams at night about being addressed as in bygone days -- Grocery Inspection Team Coordinator Newman. And admittedly, I still find myself somewhat resentful when a person calls me Mister Stanley Winkel, not using the distinctive moniker I once carried (but shan't mention here, in the interest of keeping it more or less sacred).
“My wife, who used to be known as Navy Lieutenant Lox-Winkel (adding her maiden name, since it usually accompanied the title), believes the lull is only temporary. In her opinion, proper designations will eventually return to their former state of grandeur.
“But I fear she may be overly optimistic.”
In principle, we're allowed to carry on through life the most significant or impressive designation attained in the course of our careers. For example, a physician will still be addressed as Doctor after retirement, or even if he elects to leave the medical realm and sell shoes.
Upper echelon military officers are commonly known as General, Colonel, Admiral, or whatever their highest rank was, while they carry on post-service activities in business or elsewhere. We also have the once-earned-never-to-be-shed appellations of Senator, Congressman, Governor, Mayor, Mr. President, Mr. Justice, and the like.
These privileged groups are further supplemented by the "Initialed Elite", or the people who've gained the right to post two or more letters after their names. In addition to the familiar A.B., M.A., and Ph.D., we have L.L.B., L.L.D., D.D., M.D., D.D.S., C.P.A., C.L.U., A.S.C., Q.C., and M.P., plus a host of others.
Despite the widespread use of such fancy words and alphabet mixtures, their access is still limited to a small, select population element. Considering how relatively few may be called Emperor, Prince, Duke, Baron, Archbishop, Rabbi, Warden, Your Honor, Your Highness, Your Excellency, et cetera, can it not be further envisioned that those of us with less lofty achievements will some day be permitted to embellish our mundane identities in a similar way?
Perhaps it wouldn't be out of line to expect that the following article might appear in a feature publication around 2050.
“The trend began in 2021, when the legal profession exhibited signs of unrest, due to having been greatly slighted over the years. It was felt that attorneys-at-law should be entitled to nomenclature on a parallel with the medical field.
“Accordingly, in February 2022, the American Bar Association encouraged each member to adopt formally one of several appellations:
Judge (restricted to those who had current or previous bench service),
Attorney,
Barrister, or
Solicitor.
“Authorizing the first-listed title was merely official recognition of an existing custom. As for the other three, the choice lay open, even though the separate terms don't possess a common meaning.
“Response was so enthusiastic that virtually every qualified person wasted not an instant before taking the prefix he or she found most acceptable. In many cases, some balanced, melodious, or rhyming sounds were brought about by the newly-adorned surnames. I can well recall such combinations as Solicitor Schultz, Barrister Browning, and Attorney McBurney.
“Once the lawyers had established this modus, a brother profession quickly followed suit, by announcing a stringent policy. The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants made it compulsory for members in good standing to use the appropriate initials after their names at all times. The decree soon resulted in such practice whereby a man away from home on business might send his wife a letter, closing with (for example):
Affectionately,
Ralph, C.P.A.
“The snowball effect continued. In August 2024, the Society of Industrial and Cost Accountants passed a resolution authorizing each member either to append S.I.C.A. to his name or formally precede it with the words Industrial Accountant.
“By early 2026, public pressure had become so great that Congress approved the Duncan-Reynolds Act, granting any individual citizen the right to adopt legally The most significant designation he or she had ever attained.
“There couldn't possibly have been a more spirited reaction. Men and women, both young and old, began frantically searching their attics for certificates or other supporting documentation, since the law stipulated that suitable evidence had to be presented at the local Federal Title Registration Office.
“However, following the emergence of a new wholesale forgery racket across the nation, the Act was later amended to allow for filing mere third-party affidavits which would corroborate a petitioner's sworn statement of claim to a desired prefix.
“When autumn of 2029 arrived, the responsible government bureaux were working round-the-clock shifts, to handle the rising flood of humanity which clamored at their portals. It had grown no longer fashionable to be an ordinary Mister, Mrs., Miss, or Ms. if you had any right whatsoever to a more impressive appellation.
“Many of us remember such prominent individuals as Air Medal Holder Paulson and Oscar Nominee Findlay, among others. I was closely acquainted with Beauty Contest Winner Marvin, the lady who had captured leading honors in the swimsuit pageant at the Lucasta, Illinois American Legion Post carnival in 1988. At age 60 she proudly regained her former glory.
Eddie Slover, who took the 2018 National League hitting crown, became the first to choose the official title of Batting Champion. From this point on, a deluge of applications were submitted and OK'd for such nomenclature (whether current or past) as Home Run Champion, Earned Run Average Champion, Field Goal Champion, Golf Tournament Champion, and countless more. The Duncan-Reynolds Act had been sufficiently liberal not to limit said rights to those attaining top status in the major sport circuits. Consequently, thousands of men assumed this sort of prefix based on boyhood achievements as little leaguers or summer camp softball players.
“One lesser known, yet nonetheless distinguished moniker was awarded to Yo-Yo Competition Winner Davis, whose performance at J.C. Penney’s 1974 contest held in Montenegro, Minnesota may never have been surpassed anywhere. Even though 68 years old, he still smiled from ear to ear whenever addressed by his reclaimed designation.
An endless list of possibilities was further offered by individual occupation or profession. Plating Department Foreman Long, Management Consultant Harris, Senior Invoice Clerk Moresby, Personnel Officer Wynn, and Customer Service Supervisor Kalinsky were among my more intimate friends in those days.
“As might be expected, some bad taste prefixes soon emerged. Perhaps they started when a Chicago lady of dubious virtue became legally known as Streetwalker Mulherne. Although the public frowned on such appellations, the trend continued. Pornography Dealer Thompson and Panderer Naismith were two whose adopted labels gained renown, not to mention a good bit of free advertising.
“The Duncan-Reynolds Act was also subsequently interpreted as permitting use of appropriate letters after a surname. Quite readily, therefore, the Ph.D.s, C.P.A.s, and others lost their traditional exclusivity. Federal Title Registration Offices in certain cities had many imaginative arrays on file, of which just a few are shown below.
L.U.C.S. (Leading Used Car Salesman)
Awarded to Herman Lenkenmuller of Ningunas, New Mexico, who had outdone
his fellow representatives at the Myers Ford Agency for each of the
preceding seven years.
M.A.T.D. (Most Artful Tango Dancers)
Awarded jointly to Vice President - Engineering Wellston and his wife,
of St. Louis. It was common knowledge that a more agile ballroom couple
couldn't be found in the midwest area, or maybe the entire country.
A.L.D. (Ardent Lover of Dogs)
Awarded to Staff Sergeant Leslie Ware of Atlanta, Georgia. However,
such designation is not to be confused with that of M.A.L.C.F.S. (Most
Ardent Lover of Canine and Feline Species), held by Spanish Teacher
Rodriguez of Waco, Texas.
“Certainly no combination was more elaborate than that granted Special Executive Assistant Waller, who owned rights to the letters G.C.B.C.P.D.C.W.O.P.L.R.P., standing for Genius at Creating Business Correspondence to Placate Dissatisfied Clients, Without Offering Possibility of Legal Recourse or Pursuit.
“So far as anyone recalls, the lengthiest set of title and initials in existence belonged to Harry Millstein. His job plus his social activities enabled the man to be called Vice Chairman and Recording Secretary of the Operational Planning Committee of the Well-Knit Hosiery Fabrication Company of Southern Louisiana Incorporated Millstein, A.B., M.A., M.P.P.A.S.A.B.R. (the final group being Most Popular Person in All Suburban Areas of Baton Rouge). Old acquaintances of the amply-termed gent confirm that he was indeed a charming fellow, quite deserving of such honor.
“In 2036, the plain Mrs. Willis Hogshead, H.S.G. (High School Graduate)introduced a new movement by not giving any of her children first or middle names. The logic was that they would eventually become obsolete through substitution of prefixes, so why bother? But the idea soon died out, since families with multiple offspring who followed the practice found it increasingly difficult to accomplish such otherwise simple tasks as summoning the kids to dinner. A specific testimonial was made in this regard by Girl Scout Patrol Leader Jacobsen of Great Neck, Long Island.
"’My entire brood of 7", she explained to me, "were absent from the house late one afternoon. In order to track them down, I decided I'd telephone their friends' homes. Placing a call to a neighbor several doors away, Woman's Club Treasurer McPhee, B.Sc., I duly identified myself by title and name, then started to ask if __________ might be there.
"’Suddenly, I realized it was impossible to tell her whom I sought. Nor could I inquire about __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, or ___________!
"’The situation proved totally frustrating. So, when the children at last did return, my husband, Veterans of Foreign Wars Post Commander Jacobsen, and I assigned names to each of them. __________ became Wesley, __________ became Lesley, __________ became Cecily, __________ became Presley, __________ became Thessaly, __________ became Nestle, and __________ became Junior.’
“And thusly that particular lady’s dilemma was solved.
”As we're all aware, however, the whole trend fell into decline around the year 2040. People had grown weary of using up to three lines writing somebody's full combination on an envelope, or taking perhaps ten seconds for a polite verbal salutation.
“Memories were often taxed unfairly, with mistakes frequent. Witness, for example, an incident I personally observed during the latter teen years, when Meat Market Proprietor O'Flaherty of Los Angeles addressed a customer in error one day.
“He said "Good morning, Wife of the President of the Chamber of Commerce Gormley", whereas he should have called her "Wife of the President of the Chamber of the Deputy Council Gormley". The woman was so offended that she gave the poor fellow a stern dressing down in front of several other patrons, including Bishop's Errand Boy Lotkins and Jeweler Chalmers, A.B.
“It’s generally agreed that the real turning point occurred on June 14, 2041, at the Elmira, New York Rotary Club luncheon. Nationwide headlines were created by Welcome Wagon Chairman Novak, C.L.U., as he publicly renounced his authorized title and initials before the assembled group, stating that henceforth he would just be known as Mister Percy Novak. Then, following a round of thunderous applause, Rotary Club President McDaniel, L.L.B., further announced his wish to be Mister Horace McDaniel. From there on, the backward slide to "ordinariness" developed an irreversible momentum.
“Even though the pre- and suffix era is now a thing of the past, a deep nostalgia lingers in many hearts. For example, a close chum of mine says he often dreams at night about being addressed as in bygone days -- Grocery Inspection Team Coordinator Newman. And admittedly, I still find myself somewhat resentful when a person calls me Mister Stanley Winkel, not using the distinctive moniker I once carried (but shan't mention here, in the interest of keeping it more or less sacred).
“My wife, who used to be known as Navy Lieutenant Lox-Winkel (adding her maiden name, since it usually accompanied the title), believes the lull is only temporary. In her opinion, proper designations will eventually return to their former state of grandeur.
“But I fear she may be overly optimistic.”
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