BLONDIE

A MUSICAL VERSION AS MIGHT HAVE BEEN PERFORMED CIRCA 1936
SCORE BY GEORGE GERSHWIN
BOOK AND LYRICS BY RORY BUNGLEHEIMER

THE CAST OF CHARACTERS
· Fred Astaire as Dagwood Bumstead
· Ginger Rogers as Blondie
· Nelson Eddy as J.C. Dithers
· Jeannette MacDonald as Mrs. Dithers
· Allan Jones as Herb Woodley
· Donald O’Connor as Alexander
· Judy Garland as Cookie
· Dick Powell as the Mailman

THE PLOT
Opening on a comic relief theme, the bedeviled Mailman stands before the Bumstead residence and sings his plaintive song.

(Tune: A Foggy Day)
I am a mailman ordinary.
I follow my normal daily route.
Nothing about me is contrary.
Oh, but zounds, what abounds on my rounds.

Bumstead’s forever late leaving home.
So then frenziedly he dons his coat and hat,
And comes bundling out like the proverbial bat.

A pleasant morn on Bumstead’s street;
Soft, cool breeze, not much heat.
I reach his front walk, letters in tow;
A few steps remaining, not far to go.

How soon, I wonder, will he roar out
And bowl me over with such a clout?
Then suddenly the door is aft,
And the flying, hurried man comes lunging forward and I’m zapped.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Now moving on to serious matters, Dagwood appears on stage to make his confessional about having stolen money from his employer’s company.

(Tune: Summertime)
Blaw-on-dee,
Don’t you know how I need you?
I’m in trouble
And may end up in jail.
All I wanted was
To buy you a new mink coat,
But now I must tell you
My saddest of tales.

One of these days soon
Mr. Dithers will find out
That his funds are short
And I’m spending like mad.
He’ll know I’m guilty
And I will not deny that
I stole from the cash box
Each cent it had.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So as expected, Mr. and Mrs. Dithers arrive at the Bumstead house, and a full accusation is delivered by the boss man.

(Tune: I Got Plenty of Nothin’)
Bumstead, you are a bastard,
‘Cause you took money from me.
Oi, soch a schmuck,
What a louse,
A plague upon your house.
No use denyin’,
You’re a low, thieving mouse.

You think I’ve plenty of plenty?
Well, that’s a road full of ruts.
Our financial statement
For the last fiscal quarter
Shows a loss that drives me nuts.
You putz!

You’ve got no right to believe
I’m a wealthy bloke.
You may think that being a thief
Won’t make me flat broke.
Well, you’re wrong, that’s a fact.
Your embezzlement act
Was no joke!

Yes indeed, you’re a bastard,
A rotten one through and through.
You’ve robbed me blind,
Blown my mind,
Stabbed me from behind!
Unkind!

Someone who stoops to the level
Of takin’ what isn’t his’n
Faces a sentence
Of long years and years behind
The walls and bars of prison.
Listen!

The slammer’s where you’re off to.
That’s where you belong.
You’ll be eating dried beans and bread
Every day, every week, every year.
That’s how long!

Bumstead, you are a bastard,
Nobody can deny that.
So be prepared,
Take your lumps,
Rot in jail!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

However, Mrs. Dithers feels her husband’s attitude is extremely harsh, and sings her appeal on Dagwood’s behalf.

(Tune: Someone to Watch Over Me)
Julius, you are a cold-hearted brute,
Giving the boot
Like an old coot,
Simply by losing some loot.

Your behavior is a fright to behold.
You’re growing old,
Acting too bold
Against a lad from your fold.

Although his misdeed has been loathsome,
And damaging us both some,
In your heart should be sympathy.

It would seem you ought to alter your pace,
Display some grace,
Not be so base,
And show less hate in your face.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The two children, Alexander and Cookie, also register their appeal.

(Tune: It Ain’t Necessarily So)
ALEXANDER
Don’t make Daddy go to the jail.
His health will be certain to fail.
He’ll be so mistreated,
Dishonored and cheated,
He won’t come back hearty and hail.

COOKIE
Please give him a much-needed break.
Each person deserves a fair shake.
Don’t do us no favors,
We’re just little shavers,
But help him a bit for our sake.

ALEXANDER
He didn’t intend to harm you,
But needed to buy something new.
A mink coat for mummy,
Her old one was crummy,
So why are you in such a stew?

ALEXANDER
You paid him a trifling sum,
A salary fit for a bum.
You should feel quite shameful,
And thus somewhat blameful,
For being so senseless and dumb.

ALEXANDER AND COOKIE IN UNISON
We wish we could raise enough bail
To keep Daddy from, Daddy from, Daddy from, Daddy from, Daddy from going to jail!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After everyone else has left, Dagwood sits alone disconsolately with head in hands. Herb Woodley then drops in and sings his number.

(Tune: Bess, You Is My Woman Now)
I will come to visit you,
I will, I will,
And even learn to play the violin outside your cell.
You will thus be entertained,
Not pained.

Happy, pleasèd,
And feeling easèd.
Yes, I’ll help you pass the days
Unphased.

My first thoughts will be with you,
They will, they will.
And maybe after twenty years or so you’ll get parole.
Then we’ll be neighbors once more,
Next door.

Friendly, p’litely,
And very quietly,
If you behave properly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Woodley departs and the scene closes, only to reopen on the next, where we soon learn that Mr. Dithers has elected not to press charges, and Dagwood won’t have to go to prison.

Blondie now does her song.

(Tune: Embraceable You)
Oh Dagwood,
I’m greatly relieved for you.
Dear Dagwood,
I’ve always believed in you.
Just a day ago the charges on you were dropped.
Mr. Dithers changed his mind and everything stopped.

Now we’ll start
A brand new feeling again.
With full heart
You won’t be stealing again.
Don’t buy me no more fur coats,
Just a ratty, torn old rabbit skin.
We’ll go back to where we’ve been.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dagwood, Blondie, Alexander, and Cookie then perform the finale ballet to the music of Rhapsody in Blue.

(Curtain)