TV ADS: PITCHING CURVEBALLS TO WEAK HITTERS

For openers, the reader is hastily advised that the writer of this piece holds a lifelong hatred for TV commercials, no matter the product or service being ballyhooed.

Well, on the premise that there’s bound to be an exception to almost everything, such happens to be the case here. From exposure to literally thousands of “important messages from our sponsor”, we’ve been enthralled by exactly one and no more commercial break blowout. Many years ago, the makers of Alka-Seltzer showed us the woes besetting a chap whose smiling wife had just placed a whopping spaghetti serving before him. His repeated difficulty in trying to proclaim “Mama Mia, that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!” successfully proved to be an epic from the humorous viewpoint – a most legendary, but totally isolated masterpiece. The key point of this gastric relief ad within a hypothetical pasta dish ad was that the sparkly liquid product could be quite helpful in fighting off indigestion, even under hazardous stomach conditions such as those portrayed.

Still, did such a monumental contribution to media advertising inspire this writer to dash off to the neighborhood pharmacy to stock his medicine cabinet with Alka-Seltzer? No, not in the slightest. Our record of absolutely never making a purchase due to commercial-watching inspiration remained intact.

The thought occasionally comes to mind that your writer may be the only person among modern-day mankind who steadfastly refuses to be influenced by a television ad of any sort. This simply can’t be true, however. There have to be others of the same non-persuasion, yet evidently not very many. It seems obvious that millions upon millions of folks worldwide fall prey to sales pitches thrown in their faces at seldom more than ten-minute intervals from dawn to bedtime. If this weren’t the case, TV commercials would long ago have vanished from the social scene. Unfortunately, no such blessing has occurred, nor does it appear likely.

After this singularly-exceptioned disdain for broadcast commercialism had taken hold while this fellow was considerably younger than today, his career affairs caused him to leave North American shores to live and work on three different continents for a 36-year period. There were TV ads in all the countries of residence, with each and every one duly ignored, as had been the practice prior to departure.

When the eventual return to the U.S.A. took place in May 2007, our reaction toward television ad presentation soon changed from mere lack of interest to out-and-out disgust, brought on by nothing less than sheer shock.

Nowadays, instead of treating the pictorial word spiels with complete deference, we’ve come to gaze in awe at what amounts to either overblown nonsense, confusing dialogue, misleading remarks, utter disdain for professionalism, semi-frightening message conveyance, and nauseating trivia, sometimes rendered by talking apes, centaurs, or other grotesque fauna.

Probably the very worst of all are those ads which extol the benefits attainable from using certain pharmaceutical products, aimed at preventing or controlling disease, reducing harmful body system elements, sleeping more soundly, enhancing male sex capability (due to either equipment size or utilization timeliness), and anything else that might be bound to fix your wagon.
This particular type of commercial becomes even more insidious through shaded warnings about possible side effects or usage no-nos under certain conditions. Such innuendo is usually mentioned in monotonous vocal tones, or else written on-screen without adequate time to read the message fully. The viewer is further advised to “ask your doctor if gismuth can help you”, which barely anybody will be apt to do.

Obviously, these vague and misleading spiels have been closely vetted by the manufacturers’ legal counsel, to ensure that no lawsuits could ever be successfully filed against them. Every element in support of a “we told you so” defense is provided for, should any unfortunate user suffer unduly after succumbing to a carefully-tailored sales pitch.

Another set of products which is almost as evil, although less potentially dangerous to the overweight commercial watcher, deals with methodically and no doubt rapidly shedding excess poundage, while being able to like the proverbial horse day after day. Maybe this is possible, but we can’t help but harbor a few doubts. Reducing waistlines, oversize tummies or unattractively fattish limbs by such means has never appeared to be quite that easy. Since this writer doesn’t happen to fall into the obese class, he’s had no occasion to inquire further into the process.

There are also ads to assure that, by following their prescribed ways and means, the viewer can readily kick a longstanding yet undesirable smoking habit. A certain drug offered for this purpose mentions possible side effects which seem downright frightening, and predict the quitting process to require the outlandish period of twelve weeks or more. Honestly speaking, we fail to see no need whatsoever to pay for a product or service to help you perform a feat you can better do on your own through sheer will power. In this instance, we speak from past personal experience, having overcome this ugly habit without a smidgen of commercial assistance.

We come next to what simply must be categorized as televised ambulance chasing, 21st century style. We’re referring to these lawyers who proclaim on-screen that conditions exist whereby certain faulty product consumption or environmental surrounding exposure on your part may entitle you to substantial damage claims. These courtroom-anxious spielers are undoubtedly right in principle. Maybe we just don’t dig their ultra-modern rather blatant means for offering professional services.

Standing in line behind the lawsuit-happy attorneys are the fellows who purport to be IRS dragon-slayers, able to get those federal tax-collecting leeches off your back, by virtue of their ability to negotiate settlements more economically on your behalf.

Don’t misinterpret our feelings now. We’re not exactly lovers of government taxation agencies. We become somewhat grimly amused, though, when the fellows on-screen explain how they’ve resolved cases “at a fraction” of the amount sought by the bad guys. Come on, Lads. A fraction might easily be 7/8 or even 63/64. That can be quite misleading. In turn, whatever the victim may save will be offset to a certain extent by a legal fee which ain’t gonna be just peanuts.

We merely tend to become bored when viewing the manifold ads outlining the benefits available from dealing with this or that health care or auto insurance carrier. Generally, none of them sound overly misleading, yet we do deplore one particular statement a presenter makes about the premium being only X dollars per month, but quickly adding the words “per unit” in a dulcet tone, followed by converting X dollars into (X/100) cents.

In order to obtain a definition as to what constitutes a “unit”, you must phone and request their explanatory booklet. We find this failure to disclose such a pertinent detail over the airwaves comparable to the fine print which often appears in a contractual agreement.

If you’ve fallen into deep credit card debt, there are organizations who promise to get you out from under at another of those nebulous fractions of the amount. What a great deal this is, having to buy their so-called service when it’s been your own stupid fault to allow such condition to develop in the first place.

We might sound old-worldish in adding one further point, but can’t help but admit becoming readily disgusted when we’re told how much better, more powerful, or cheaper the subject product or service is supposed to be compared to that of a specifically-identified competitor. Happily so far, we’ve noted only a few advertisers stooping to such level.

The fact that these commercials keep coming at us in rapid-fire and repetitive sequence gives a clear indication that gullible viewers everywhere are promptly picking up the phone to call the various 800-series numbers provided, so the follow-up pitch might be delivered. For those people so inclined, the best we can hope to offer is a set of caveats to employ when being struck with enthusiasm over those nicely-crafted messages. We encourage any and all not to let themselves be drawn into deals without taking every pertinent factor into consideration.

Our humble advice is that the following steps be applied:
1. Before dialing that 800 number, jot down every key question which comes to mind while listening to the initial pitch.
2. Make sure that each such question gets asked and clearly answered to your satisfaction, either over the phone or in supplementary written material sent to you.
3. Search out and resolve every potential loophole which might apply, either when watching the TV message, conversing by phone, or closely studying the supplementary material.
4. Be on the alert for vagueness or outright doubletalk methods on the sellers’ part. Remember that despite the nobility of their purpose, these people still represent profit-making organizations, which is the prime motivation.
5. If such facility is available to you, check your potential service provider via the internet, by simply calling up the various carriers’ names. You may find a number of valid complaints submitted by past clientele, which sometimes offer fascinating, and perhaps potential deal-killing facts.
6. In summary, therefore, don’t commit yourself too hastily, regardless of how pushy the sellers may be in their efforts.

Better yet, however, is our recommendation to become a little more like this writer. The moment that any commercial message appears on the screen, head immediately to your refrigerator or other suitably remote spot, whether to obtain a beer or soft drink, visit the bathroom, or anything else appropriate, and return very slowly to your easy chair, in hopes the ad will be missed completely.