HOW ABOUT A TOUCH OF REVENGE?

Watching television for hours at a stretch these days means that the viewer is certain to be driven to distraction by one semi-nauseating commercial message after another. Since they are far too numerous and altogether much too lengthy, relief from them by making bathroom trips doesn’t provide sufficient escape time, unless either one’s bowels or kidneys are working double time.

Consequently, what we’re proposing here is a kind of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach, but in a negative way. The idea might just ease your captive viewing ennui, while tossing a little confusion into what we consider the enemy ranks.

All too many of these agonizing, yea asinine, messages offer either a product or service which will supposedly fix your wagon in countless different respects. Perhaps 5% or so are presented in meaningful good taste, and give no justifiable cause for counterattack effort. It’s that obnoxious, intelligence-insulting majority which deserves nothing less than utter molestation. Unhappily, we have no means for reaching such goal. However, we do have a program to suggest which should at least bring about a little extra peace of mind to John or Jane Q. TV Victim.

When a product or service is involved, the screen normally shows an 800 number to call, where the response will most likely be from a machine, advising you what to punch next, depending on the issue at hand. We therefore urge our readers to strike whichever they choose, then wait a short while before some low-life degenerate comes on the line to give you the canned sales pitch runaround. Since the words you’re about to utter might be recorded, that’s so much the better for “our side”. The people you're dealing with are fittingly describable as Adolf Eichmans of the commercial business. They are merely following orders from their shady superiors.

We’re attaching a selection of counterpunch statements, some of which have been lifted from age-old radio commercials, along with others from numerous sources, which mostly amount to sheer nonsense. Rather than let the telephone solicitor take control at the outset, why not muddy the waters a bit instead by belting out an opener of your own? As far as we’re concerned, any means for upsetting those creeps even slightly is well worth the effort.

Our looney list follows below. Take your choice or choices according to whim, and use them to strike back just a mite at the nefarious system today’s misguided public is forced to contend with.

Adams Clove Gum, by Jove, buy Clove
Ambrose Stables, we serve oat cuisine
Birdseed Company, everything we make is for the birds
Bugs Bunny’s Hole, what’s up, Doc?
Cannibal Club, everyone’s having a ball
Casablanca Bar and Grill, play it again, Sam
Daily News, black and white and read all over
Elger Plumbing Company, piss on our products
Emery’s Emetics, strong enough to make Wyatt Earp
Exterminator’s Paradise, we have rats and snails and puppy dog tails
Fort Apache, with Shirley Temple as Philadelphia Thursday and Henry Fonda as her father
Grace Dart Hospital, we’re sick sick sick
Hell’s Kitchen, we serve noodle noodle poodle kyoodle noodle soup
Hello, Duffy’s Tavern, where the elite meet to eat, Archie the Manager speakin’, Duffy ain’t here
Ipana for the smile of beauty and Sal Hepatica for the smile of health
Irish Horan speakin’, while daredevil buddy Joe Paskunyac goes through the loop-de-loops
Juliet’s Jams and Jellies, if you want to propose a toast
Jumpin’ Jive, makes you nine feet tall when you’re four foot five
Kelly’s Pool Hall, with the best tunes of all, not Carnegie Hall
Light Brigade Headquarters, send three and fourpence, we’re going to a dance
Little Big Horn Battlefield, General Custer’s too busy to come to the phone
Little Girl Supply Company, sugar and spice and everything nice
McDonald’s Hamburgers, spreading American non-culture throughout the world
Monopoly Board, go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars
Never-Never-Never Land, first turn to the right and straight on until morning
Oscar Mayer Wieners, we’re full of baloney
Parker’s Bakery, like the Sun, we rise in the yeast
Polly’s Pet Shop, where the pigeons come home to roost
Powerhouse Candy, always keep it handy, because it’s dandy
Quaker Meeting, no more laughing, no more fun
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers, say it fast three times
Sam Spade Detective Agency, we seen you when you done it
Sandy Sherman’s, we sell seashells by the seashore
Schmaltz’s Laundry, in at nine dirty, back clean five-thirty
Sealy Mattresses, for the rest of your life
Sweeney’s Soup Salon, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold
This is the forest primeval, the murmuring pines and the hemlocks
Tigris and Euphrates, we make a Mesopotamia
Tree Residence, Douglas Fir speaking, Jack Pine isn’t here
Twenty-Fifth Century Fox, Buck Rogers speaking
U.S. Government, which corrupt person do you wish to speak with?
Ulster House, we breathe Londonderry air
Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Christopher Darden speaking
Vinny’s Vineyards, our vin will give you vim, vigor, and vitality
Walrus and Carpenter, we serve oysters on the half shell
Wilson’s Butcher Shop, you never sausage meat
Witches’ Cove, double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble
Xanadu where Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decreed
Yule Log Company, we don’t mind getting burned
Zinzinnati Zoo, we haf Zebras from Zambia, Zanzibar, and Zimbabwe